Thursday

Everything you wanted to know about underwear but were too afraid to ask your mother

An article not for the faint-hearted

Straight, young, single men, this is for you. These are the tips no one has ever cared to give you, either because they were too embarrassed to tell you that you had really ugly underwear on, or because they found that not telling you may yet prove to be your demise with women altogether (they were obviously bitter from the time you took your pants off). This may very well be the next men's lingerie Bible. This could potentially make or break you. This piece of writing could catapult you into God-like, sack stardom. But only if you read on, and carefully so you must.

For some time now I have been collecting the important data that comes with the making of such laborious analysis on the preference of men's undergarments. I felt that, to be relevant, the information had to be up-to-date and include a wide array of tastes, professions, and pick-up lines. Fieldwork wasn't always pleasant, to say the least. So in turn I found that consulting with a number of experts would increase the chances of presenting an accurate report to mankind. I believe this has resulted in a well-structured and revised text. In any case, debate is always welcome and healthy in noble causes such as this one – although I find it won't change my mind, but go on. Try me.

Note: The opinions expressed in this report are more or less the truth.

The brief basics
No pun intended, I swear

Working in a nationwide men's department store has given me great depth of vision into the types of men out there and what kind of underwear they prefer. If only my floor manager could see me right now, collecting private work data and handing it away (for free!) to third parties. Oh my. Anyway. I have found men's undies come in one of the four basic shapes, with the corresponding clientele:



Briefs: the men that wear these are awkward types (in my counter, anyway). The data shows they are usually balding, impaired with one or more nervous tick and/or accompanied by their mother (whom they don't live with anymore but are taken out for a "shopping date" with – 'Pete, maybe we should get you about half a dozen briefs?')

The advice: fair enough. I can see how briefs are the building block of men's undies. They are pretty straightforward in their business of covering the necessary goods. Something your father would wear, right? Something basic. Yeah, right. Take a look at it. I mean, just take a good, long, look at it, and tell a girl in the eye that these don't look like a pair of woman's undies, with a big accident happening at the bottom centre. Not to mention the gusts of curly hair that 99% of the time will blossom from the sides of the crotchal area (that is a technical term, leave me alone). I guess what I'm trying to say is: this is not an attractive look. If you want to stay home reading a compilation of John Keats' Poems whilst sipping a nice cuppa, then briefs are absolutely fine. Possibly, you may even enjoy a sexy date with yourself (try rimmed glasses for best results). But that's it. This style belongs in your drawer, tucked away from daylight. With moths feeding off it, if possible.

Hipsters/Trunks: the males that buy this style of underwear are possibly the most average of the lot. This kind is usually accompanied by their girlfriends, whom usually buy the cutesiest colourful pair they can get their paws on.

The advice: don't let your girlfriend buy your underwear. Seriously, just send her off to the perfume section or something. This is private business! What is she doing, snooping around those aisles? Do you pick your girlfriend's underwear? Don't say yes. If you do, God, what a tacky lady she must be. The point being: this style will suit you in the bedroom, if you buy it yourself, with your own money. Not only it covers unsightly hairs, but it smoothes out natural bumps, picks up and lifts what needs lifting, and is generally a sexy little cover-up. The only disasters which can possibly occur with purchasing trunks are the colours and patterns in which you may buy them in – and there are plenty to be had. These are just a few quick ghastly examples:


No, no, no. Dubious!

 
This is likely to murder someone.

 
Oh my.

 
 You are not eight and tasteless anymore! GINCH GONCH?!?


Waistband advertising only works when there's a reputation to be had about it.
Also this colour is just wrong!
Also, I am not a real fan of this contrast overlocking.

G-strings/Thongs: every time I have to put a man g-string through the register, I end up doing or saying one or more embarrassing things. It's a real disaster, but some guys really just don't care. And these guys, I have found to notice, are either gay, or cyclists.

The advice: well. This report being entirely directed to straight males, let me rule this one out for you. And don't even get me started with, 'but it doesn't show through the back of my pants' business. I don't care. And you shouldn't either!

 
Warning: these guys are lying. She does not approve of his g-banger. This is wrong. Wrong. Wrong in so many levels.

Boxers: I don't exactly witness many men buying pair after pair of boxer – rather it is their female counterpart that comes in and does the dirty work for them. They are usually middle-aged women, and they are chatty as hell, and they really love a bargain – any bargain, but it has to be a real bargain; none of that $79 polo deal.

The advice: once upon a time I used to think boxers were alright. Yes, that was high school. There's nothing particularly wrong with wearing boxers to bed, as in – actual sleeping. But the sheer reality is that they are just little shorts, and that your goods already come semi-unpackaged. There is just too much air; too many gaps, buttons and otherwise unrouted exits for things to flop out of. And my statistics show that nine out of ten girls like a challenge. (The remaining one girl is, as you can imagine, a slut.)

Undies are your friends
You don't pick stupid-looking friends, do you?

You may be more confused about your choice of underwear now than you were prior to reading this informative work. You may be shocked and angry at women in general for being so vain as to care about something so meaningless. You may have suddenly realised you have been wearing briefs all your life and that maybe, just maybe, there is light at the end of the tunnel for you if you simply switch to trunks. You may feel generally fretful and uncomfortable. Don't panic.

The underwear you parade around the bedroom after a romantic encounter leaves a long-lasting impression on the female mind. It also tells things about you that you never meant to share (but since you got to be naked, it just slipped your mind). Think of your clothes as your outer skin and your undies as your heart, or something. It's the undies that tell the real story about your character. We pick boyfriends based on this!

It is because of this that you must value your underwear. They are your friends. Wearing good underwear to bed is not only a sign of sexual stability (meaning you get it regularly); it also gives the impression that you feel as though you are an expensive lay, since you are packaged with style.

Calvin Klein has always been an expensive package yes in my expert's books. Calvin Klein men's underwear is basically a synonym with sex appeal. Calvin Klein reminds us of muscles and dimpled smiles. In fact, Calvin Klein has built such a good undies' image for itself that, to make your life a little bit easier, by buying a pair you will be pretty much instantly fantasized of as this:




I'm not particularly advocating for Calvin Klein, but rather for something with a bit of an international reputation. You may prefer to stock up on cosmopolitan underwear if you feel like you may be of the world traveller type. Bonds is another good one. Emporio Armani doesn't hurt, either. Trust me. It is the right kind of currency to have. If you want your undies' waistband to be telling something about you, it might as well be in universal language.

Do's & Don'ts: more tips to confuse you further

DO:

Steer away from red: I don't know why, but this is an unattractive colour for men's undies. See, you are not a woman. You don't need to wear the colour of lust. Instead, stick with trusty white, black and charcoal (not light grey, big difference). This is particularly important if you are really pale, or a redhead (the latter case being of special difficulty to pair with any colours in general, or with a girl for that matter).

  NO!

DON'T:

Wear satin boxers: as one of my experts quoted to me yesterday on the way to Chermside West, "there is no hope for men that still wear satin boxers. Jesus, that was so ten years ago," to which I pondered, since she's only in her twenties, that she must be referring to her dad's undies (or I so hope.)

Bibliography, annotated texts, references, Appendix and other generally important things: please refer to the next blog.

3 comments:

  1. hahahaha, muito bom. o que você acha de eu traduzir e postar no meu blog (com os devidos créditos e referências etc)? acho que seria útil :)

    ReplyDelete
  2. GENIAL, D. Irmã da Olivia, GENIAL!!! devia ser leitura obrigatória a todos os moçoilos que se pretendem qualquer coisa! CLAP CLAP CLAPW!

    ReplyDelete