And we do take our freedom for granted, and we toss with it playfully and mindlessly, knowing it to be so firm. But it is because we forget what history did for us, and we forget that this modernity is also the next step, and that in order to pace forward we have to have the initiative of some kind of revolution. And if the revolution is in the creative minds and in the simple change of pace and time, changing frenzied schedules into organic wholesome lifestyles, then so be it. That's still worth a try. To lead by example, maybe.
And if I can't conform to this life, I won't go. I won't go but I'll be gone for a while. Because to me the danger looms really in this static breath; in these pigeon suits and neverending anxiety I see left, and squarely center. The danger looms in the eternal loneliness of mind. Why do we deny to get to know ourselves?
What's so wrong in listening to music anyway? I can barely breathe sometimes. Last night it was so cold in the train line, and it rained heavily, and the gutters were draining, turning water, and I stood shivering. But as I reached for my music container, the iPhone savior as they say it, as I reached for it indeed I knew exactly what would make me warm, and which voice and energy would hold me for the hour, and take the kind of care for me like the boyfriend I've never had. And it was Conor Oberst, of course, speaking to me clearly but also speaking of him: about freedom and all the things he used to feel so strongly about, and I guess I just love him because he has a heart, and because his affection is so transparent, and nothing more.
An when I share this with you I expect that you find me truthful, and plain in my expectations. You are either a dear friend or otherwise necessity. Either way, I have seen in you the possibility of a door, and a hallway, and possibly even a lounge room at the end of it, in which we can seat in plush leather seats and smoke cigars. So don't untangle, but rather absorb, and apply to you what needs applying. And remember only the parts that remind you of yourself.
It's not so much any part of sadness, but it's just a rapid thought that sometimes repeats itself. And it's that sometimes I take such high plunges and I hit the pool to find no such wonderful splashes, but rather a bit of concrete and a bit of mould growing at the top edges of this concave creature, and I guess my head hurts a little from dry diving, but hey, no one ever said I wasn't the adventurous type. I guess the circus is free to run however it pleases, and I sometimes buy popcorn and sit on the sidelines to watch the loud presentations. I mainly, however, enjoy my time inside the cage, with the glowing fire rings and the lions. Or dragons.
I wanted to have the oxygen capacity to reply to a familiar lie; I want to have the unbrashed capacity to feel fresh and honest with a friend, and with someone that used to be so Jane, but is now suddenly so Mary Poppins. And sometimes when I lay my realities slowly, feeling the territory before the fire brigade, I get the hunches it isn't right, and that I am wrong to be trying to be so real in this fleshy, fleshy body. And then I pretend to dance around a sentence, and I turn my head around and face the wind for a moment. And when my company turns back at me in a moment of intense intrigue, I realise I have outdone myself again and smile brightly back at them - because I can't help being the driving force behind all the nice things that are happening around me. And so I should stand firmly in my small boots and find some comfort in this common ground; and remember that in the end, we need no one but our own Cyclopean eye.